I Don't Wanna Cry
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Buffy and Angel deal with their departure from each other


TITLE: I Don't Wanna Cry  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Buffy and Angel deal with their departure from each other  
SPOILER: Graduation Day  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: Slayerettes and Sunnydale = Joss. Depressed, bitter, angry, depressed, bitter and angry = me The beautiful song is by Mariah Carey from her amazing first self-titled CD.   
  
  
  
/////   
Once again we sit in silence  
  
After all is said and done  
  
Only emptiness inside us  
  
Baby, look what we've become   
  
We can make a million promises   
  
But we still won't change   
  
It isn't right to stay together  
  
When we only bring each other pain   
\\\\\   
  
  
I see him, finally. I'm sure he knew I'd be looking for him so he came back. He's here. He made it out alive, thank God.   
  
We said we wouldn't say goodbye, but now, after everything and everyone we've lost, I don't think I can let him go without a kiss. Without a hug. Without the word that's going to kill me to say. I can't really get it out, but I must tell him goodbye.   
  
I don't wanna say it. God knows I don't want to, but as much as I don't want to say it, I don't want to not say it, either.   
  
  
/////   
I don't wanna cry  
  
Don't wanna cry  
  
Nothing in the world   
  
Could take us back  
  
To where we used to be  
  
Though I've given you my heart and soul   
  
I must find a way of letting go   
  
Because baby, I don't wanna cry   
\\\\\   
  
  
I love her.   
  
I love her so much it will eventually kill one or both of us, and that's one of the reasons I need to leave.   
  
I love her so much I can't stand it. It kills me to have to hurt her, so why do I keep doing it?   
  
Leaving is going to kill her. She almost gave her life for me just last night, and now I want to walk away without so much as a goodbye.   
I'm nuts.   
  
I know I can't tell her goodbye. The words feel too final, as though they mean I'll never see her again. I may as well take a bath in the sun if I'm going to go through the rest of my life feeling that way.   
  
There's a huge part of my heart that hopes she's going to say screw it all in six months. That she'll run back to LA and find me and live with me in my tiny apartment. I pray that she'll find a job there that keeps her happy and we'll live our life together, somehow. Maybe we'd even get married. Adopt a baby. I dream of the day when she and I are in bed and we hear our baby crying and both get up to go get him or her and bring the baby back to bed with us.   
  
I know that'll never happen, and I know I'm a fool for wishing for it, but what else is there left to wish for?   
  
I would be perfectly happy to live childless with Buffy in the dark. I know she wouldn't.   
  
She doesn't know it now, or maybe she does, but she won't admit it. Regardless, I know I can't keep her happy.   
  
I want her to be happy.   
  
I'll stand here and stare at her all night, but I won't say goodbye.   
  
  
/////  
Too far apart to bridge the distance  
  
But something keeps us hanging on and on  
  
Pretending not to know the difference  
  
Denying what we had is gone  
  
Every moment we're together  
  
It's just breaking me down  
  
I know we swore it was forever  
  
But it hurts too much to stay around   
\\\\\   
  
  
I think he's just gonna walk away.   
  
His eyes have this sad, lost look in them.   
  
Oh, God, I can't lose him.   
  
And I know every moment that passes brings me one closer to my life without him. I can't even think about that, life without him. That's not what I want.   
  
When did I ever get what I wanted?   
  
Giles is the most brilliant man I know, and he would say I'm foolish to want to stay with Angel. Maybe I am. But when you love someone the way I love him, you throw logic out the window. Besides, when you spend your sweet sixteen killing the undead, you deserve to make up for lost immaturity.   
  
"Angel," I utter the words before I can stop myself. I guess my heart was taking over for a minute there.   
  
He looks at me and slowly shakes his head. I see his tears and mine start to pour.   
  
  
/////   
All the magic's gone  
  
There's just a shadow of a memory  
  
Something just went wrong  
  
We can't go on make believing   
/////   
  
  
She made it easier on me. She doesn't know it, but she did. She cried, and she waved and she blew me a kiss. Then she turned and she left. Disappeared into the mass of fire trucks and policemen and students.   
  
I want to run after her, grab her, kiss her. God, I wanna run after her. So why am I still standing here?   
  
  
\\\\\   
I don't wanna cry  
  
Don't wanna cry  
  
Nothing in the world   
  
Could take us back  
  
To where we used to be  
  
Though I've given you my heart and soul   
  
I must find a way of letting go   
  
Because baby, I don't wanna cry  
/////   
  
  
It's over.   
  
He's gone.   
  
I don't wanna cry, but I can't help it.  



End file.
